Bookmarks: CSI Las Vegas

My CSI Nick/Greg/Gil bookmarks:

Subtext is Everything A Nick/Greg loving LiveJournal-community for fics and artwork. I've been a member for a looooooong time.

What Makes The Desert Beautiful The original Nick/Greg Archives. A massive collection of fic. The rest of the site is under construction.

CSI Forensics: From Out Of The Lab Awesome archive of all CSI fanfiction, conveniently divided into categories General-Ship Ahoy!-Slashed-Bitextual. Separated by series, so you can focus on the town/team of your preference (just Vegas for me, baby).

The Wonderful World Of MakeBelieve Archive An automated archive with loads of different CSI pairings in one big list. Worth a look.

CSI Slash LiveJournal-community for all CSI-slash-fanfiction. Used for x-posting by most of the fanfic-writers, so if you're only interested in one particular pairing, you're better off in your own community (see top-link for Nick/Greg;)

Whispered Words Fiction Resource Database Search Engine: browse through recommendations by fans or search for a specific fic or author. (previously this place also hosted the Fingerprints Gil/Nick Slash Archive, but sadly that site is gone.) Still plenty of fingerlicking good stuff to find here!

Gil/Nick Slash LiveJournal-community for Gil/Nick fanfiction (duh)

Oh No Nicky! This LiveJournal Community came together for comfort during and after the episode Grave Danger (Season 5 finale) and has been active ever since in offering a place for Nick-centered fanfic. Members also write the occasional recap and there is a huge pretty-picture archive.

Gil Loves Greg Ahw. LiveJournal-community for Gil/Greg fanfiction.

The CSI FanficAwards Links to nominees and winners since 2005. Very good place to discover (new) popular authors in fandom, who are not necessarily my favorites. But it's still a great community;)

I used to make frequent visits to loads of other CSI-LJ-communities -like LabRats and Favorite Vegas- but for your and my sanity, I only put active sites on this list. - You're welcome;)

Bookmarks: Buffy the Vampire Slayer

My Buffy Bookmarks:

Bound By Blood: Story-archive with multiple pairings, divided in hot slash, angsty slash and funny slash. Also art-galleries.

I'm Not A Eunuch: Slashing the Angel, archive including threesomes and moresomes.

Eternal Roses: Buffy, Angel and Spike in various combinations. Stories by Rachel Thorson.

Fanged Four: Portal to several sites. Tania's domain, a good place to start your journey.

Sin Wagon: Buffy, Angel and Spike in various combinations. Stories by Laure Alexander.

The Clockwork Vampire: A tribute site to this Angel/Spike series.(All stories in the same universe.)

The Adventures of Captain Peroxide And Dead Boy: The ultimate Angel/Spike archives, part of Tania's domain. Divided by rating, author and title.

The Bunny Warren Several pairings. Archive by author.

The Buffy Fiction Archive Search Engine: Very useful tool: enter specifics (rating, characters, cross over, kinks, etc.) and find exactly the kind of story you're in the mood for!

BOOK: You Remind Me Of Me by Dan Chaon

Title: You Remind Me Of Me
Author: Dan Chaon
Genre: Drama (?)
Rating: 8/10

Synopsis (copied from cover)
Jonah Doyle and Troy Timmens don't know each other, yet they have a deep connection that is gradually revealed over the course of this spellbinding novel. After a terrible accident transforms Jonah's life, he sets out on an extraordinary journey across America in search of his familiy, his identity and the secrets buried in his past. When Jonah and Troy finally meet, their lives will never be the same again.

Dum-dum-dumm...

Spoilerfree (and therefore somewhat cryptic review)
The book explores three very important questions: Why do we become the people that we become? How do we end up stuck in lives that we never wanted? And can we change the course of what seems inevitable?

Told in out-of-order snippets of thirty-something Jonah's and eventually Troy's life, it took me some time to put all the pieces of the story together. But once I got used to the style, I liked trying to figure things out before the characters did. I had to know what happened and happens to Jonah. He is lost in memories and thoughts and tries very hard to make sense of (his) life. It was almost painful to join him on his journey. I loved how he imagines his life being filmed and thus sets the scenes of the story with different camera-angles. I sympathised with him, but once I figured out where he was going, he started to creep me out.

Troy's life is a mess, but he seems to be in control, despite not knowing what Jonah's intensions are. I didn't really like him at the start, but while my understanding for Jonah faded, I learned to appreciate Troy more and more.

The characters and their environment are very different from me; they are American men with simple jobs. I don't use drugs, nor do I have a truely screwed up family, but I could relate to Troy's dismissal of people and Jonah's inability to communicate. So I learned you can find something in common with the most unusual people. That's what made me like this book. A lot.

FANFIC: Sweet Cool Water by Caroline Crane

Posted in twelve parts: Sweet Cool Water by Caroline Crane
Rating: NC17 (See happy reading in sidebar!)
Fandom: CSI
Pairing: Nick/Greg
Summary: A hard night on the job and an unexpected encounter with a familiar face force Nick to re-examine some things about himself.

part 01 part 02 part 03 part 04
part 05 part 06 part 07 part 08
part 09 part 10 part 11 part 12

FANFIC: Sweet Cool Water by Caroline Crane 12/12

Posted with permission from the author. See notes in sidebar.
Title: Sweet Cool Water
Author: Caroline Crane
Rating: NC17 (See happy reading in sidebar!)
Fandom: CSI
Pairing: Nick/Greg
Summary: A hard night on the job and an unexpected encounter with a familiar face force Nick to re-examine some things about himself.
Chapters: 01, 02, 03, 04, 05, 06, 07, 08, 09, 10, 11, 12.

Part twelve

Nick spent the next day trying not to think about what Greg had said, and when that didn't work he spent the day after trying to figure out what to do about it. He thought about ignoring it and just letting it run its course. That option had quite a bit of appeal, especially when he'd been more or less ordered by Grissom to stay as far away from work – and temptation – as possible.

The case was over, all the loose ends were tied up, and everything was back to normal. He didn't need Greg to help him forget anymore, and if he was still waking up from dreams filled with dark bruises against pale skin he knew it was only a matter of time before they faded completely.

He didn't spend his days off reliving the crime scene, just like he didn't spend them thinking about all the things he could have said to Jessie Walker's father. Things like 'being gay doesn't change the fact that he was your son, sir' or 'none of this changes the fact that your son loved you'. He wouldn't have been afraid to say that to anyone else; he'd never been very good at holding his tongue when he was a cop, and he hadn't gotten much better at it in his years as a CSI. Sure, he knew when to turn on the charm to get what he wanted, but there were times when he didn't bother, and this should have been one of them.

But he wasn't spending his time off trying to decide what made this time different from all the other cases, just like he wasn't spending his time wondering how to make things right with Greg. That was over; he'd told himself that at least a hundred times in the last two days, and he'd told himself just as much that he was glad it was.

He stopped trying to convince himself he believed it on the morning of the third day. He'd laid awake the entire night before, his internal clock screwed up from working nights and his mind too busy playing over the events of the past week to let him get any sleep. He spent the entire night rehearsing a speech over and over in his head, planning exactly what he was going to say to Greg to make him understand how all this had happened. He was pretty sure Greg already knew, but he needed to say it anyway. He needed to do something, because Grissom had been pretty clear about what he expected and Nick knew if he showed up at work like this he'd get sent right back home again.

He didn't really remember the drive to Greg's place, but when he got there and saw Greg's Jeep in the parking lot he almost turned around. He got as far as circling the lot before he realized what he was doing, and he forced himself to pull into an empty space and shut off the engine. It took him another fifteen minutes to talk himself into getting out of the car and walking across the lot, but finally he found himself at Greg's door.

It seemed like forever before the door finally opened, and panic flashed in Nick when it dawned on him for the first time that Greg might not be alone. He thought about mumbling an apology and getting the hell out of there, but he knew that would just make everything worse. There were at least a dozen things about the past week that he wished he could take back and the impetuous decision to show up on Greg's doorstep was right on the top of the list, but there was nothing he could do about it now.

"Hi," he began, the speech he'd spent the entire night planning so carefully flying right out of his head the second Greg opened the door. "Are you busy?"

Greg's expression didn't change, but he opened the door a little wider and Nick decided to take that as a sign that he hadn't interrupted anything. "I just got off a long shift. I'm about to go to bed and sleep until Sunday. If that counts as 'busy', then yes, I guess I am."

Okay, Greg was still pissed; that much he'd expected. It wasn't like he could blame the guy, he hadn't exactly handled the situation very well. Maybe if he hadn't taken off without a word the last time he was here things would be different now – maybe they'd even be back in Greg's bed already, or taking a shower before they made it to bed. Nick shook his head to chase away the thought; he couldn't afford to let himself get distracted now, not if he was going to fix this.

"Look, can we just talk?"

A heavy sigh escaped Greg's throat, and Nick tried hard not to stare at the way his throat moved with the sound. "What's left to say? You freaked out, I was in the right place at the right time. End of story."

Nick shook his head, searching his mind for some of the words that had sounded so good the night before. He kept coming up empty, though, and when he looked up at Greg again he knew he was going to have to go with the truth. "I need to say this, Greg. Please."

Greg stared at him for a few more seconds, but just when Nick started to resign himself to the fact that he'd totally screwed up Greg shrugged and stepped aside. Nick brushed past him into the familiar apartment, trying hard not to notice Greg's scent as he passed. He smelled like the odd combination of chemicals and Greg that had somehow become familiar over the past week or so, and Nick suppressed a shudder when he realized Greg had probably been about to take a shower.

He couldn't afford to think about that right now or he'd never get through this, and he was pretty sure coming on to Greg wasn't going to work this time. It wasn't going to fix the problem, anyway, and Nick knew it was up to him to fix it. He steeled his nerves and made his way into the living room, taking a seat on the edge of the couch. As soon as he did it occurred to him that it was the first time he'd ever actually sat down in Greg's living room; they'd slept together three times already, and he'd never even sat on Greg's couch.

He resisted the urge to laugh at his complete ineptitude where relationships were concerned; Greg probably wouldn't get the joke, and even if he did it really wasn't funny. When Greg sat down on the far end of the couch Nick turned toward him slightly, keeping his gaze focused on a spot on the floor somewhere between them. "Have I ever told you about my father?"

"He's a judge or something, right?"

Nick glanced up at Greg long enough to register the other man's confused expression. "Chief Justice. Texas Supreme Court."

"Oh."

"Yeah. And my mom's a public defender. They're not exactly low profile."

He looked at Greg again, willing the other man to understand what he was getting at. It was a tall order; Greg had grown up in San Francisco, after all, and he'd said himself that his parents had figured out he was gay before he did. He probably had no idea what it was like to have to hide something from his whole family, to worry about not just his career, but theirs as well. It sounded like a copout even before he said it out loud, though, and he knew in a way it was. When he left Texas he'd told them it was because he needed to be his own person without his family's reputation following him everywhere, but the truth was that it had just been easier to leave than to stay and deal with their reactions.

Greg was still watching him like he was waiting for Nick to continue, so he took a deep breath and tried again. "I never told them. For a long time I told myself it didn't matter, but the truth is I just didn't want to deal with it. When I was in college it really didn't matter, but then my brother and all my sisters got married and started having kids, and it was easier to leave than to keep coming up with ways to avoid questions."

"Jesus, Nick. You never…and you think they haven't figured it out yet?"

Nick grinned at that; it was obvious Greg had never met his family, and even more obvious that he hadn't grown up in Texas. "Trust me, even if they did figure it out they'd just lie to themselves about it."

Greg looked down at his hands for a second and suddenly Nick was terrified that he was going to tell Nick how sorry he was, offer him pity because he came from a family that didn't get it. That was the last thing Nick wanted; he hadn't come here looking for pity, and even if he had his family wasn't anything to feel sorry about. But when Greg looked up at him again his mouth was set in the grim line Nick had grown to hate so much over the past few days, and there wasn't anything like pity in his eyes.

"Why are you here?"

He wanted to say that he didn't know. Part of him wanted to tell Greg he was sorry for wasting his time, tell him not to worry about it and then get up and leave. But he'd come this far, and he knew if he didn't at least say what he'd come to say he'd never be able to sleep again. And maybe it was selfish to make Greg go through this just so he could have a little peace of mind, but he'd been pretty selfish since this whole thing started anyway.

"I lied to Jessie Walker's father."

Something flickered in Greg's eyes and Nick had to look away for a second, swallowing hard against the memory before he continued. "The day Gris sent me over there to get Jessie's computer, his dad didn't want to let me in. He didn't care what we needed to solve the case, he was too hung up on the fact that his kid was gay."

"Look, Nick…"

Nick shook his head and Greg stopped talking, his lips slightly parted as he waited for Nick to continue. The last thing Nick wanted to do was keep talking; what he really wanted to do was lean over and cover Greg's mouth with his, pull him up off the couch and back into the bedroom. Or maybe he'd just peel Greg's clothes off right here; they'd never done it on the couch before, and there was something to be said for variety. Only Greg wasn't his boyfriend and he wasn't here to seduce the other man into forgetting what a jerk he'd been for the past week and a half.

"I don't know why I lied to him. I keep telling myself it was the only way I could get him to give up the hard drive, but we could have gotten a warrant if we had to. That kid…they all died just trying to be who they were for once, and I took that away from him."

His voice broke on the last words and he took a deep breath, covering his face with his hands. He told himself he wasn't going to cry again, that he wasn't going to fall apart over this. He'd already done that enough, and the only reason he was telling Greg any of this stuff was to make a point. He just wished he knew what the point was.

When he felt Greg's hand on his shoulder he flinched, but as soon as he realized what was happening he turned into the touch. He didn't think about what he was doing; one minute he was staring at the floor, trying to pull himself together, and the next minute he was pulling Greg close and brushing his lips along Greg's jaw. Somewhere in the back of his head was a voice telling him this wasn't going to get them anywhere, that there were still things Greg didn't understand. But it didn't seem to matter that much anymore, not when Greg was warm and solid and pressing against him.

Greg's hands flattened against his chest, and for a second Nick almost believed they could just leave the rest unsaid. Then Greg was pushing him away, shaking his head and pulling out of Nick's grip. "No," he said, his voice low and filled with regret. "We've already tried that. It doesn't work, remember? I can't keep going back and forth with you."

Nick's heart sank when he looked at Greg and realized just how much damage he'd done over the past two weeks. He didn't have any right to be here explaining himself, and he had even less right to think Greg might give him another chance. Still, he had to try, because this was the first time he'd ever wanted something enough to risk everything he'd ever thought he believed.

"Sorry, that…I shouldn't have done that." He looked down at the floor again, breathing in deeply, then out again until he could think about something besides the way Greg felt against him. "Look, I didn't come here to make excuses. I just wanted you to know that I know I screwed up. I've screwed up a lot of things I can't fix, but I don't want this to be one of them."

He looked up again when he finished speaking, his heart pounding too loud against his eardrums and Greg still way too close for comfort. Somehow he managed to keep his hands to himself, but he had to clench them tightly together to do it.

"So what are you saying?"

Nick couldn't help laughing at that; he had a feeling Greg was just trying to get him to say it out loud, but part of him didn't blame the other man for being a little wary. "Grissom decided that I should take some vacation time. I'm booked on a flight to Dallas this afternoon. I think it's time I had a talk with my parents."

He took a deep breath and looked up again, hoping Greg couldn't hear his heart pounding against his chest. "I'll be back on Sunday, and I thought maybe…if you want to, we could give this another chance."

"Nick…"

"Just think about it," Nick interrupted, the words spilling out of his mouth fast enough that Greg couldn't interrupt him. "You don't have to decide anything right now. I know I'm not any good at this stuff, but…just think about it while I'm gone. Okay?"

He held his breath while he waited for an answer, and when Greg finally nodded he had to swallow hard around the lump in his throat. "I can drop you off at the airport, if you want."

Any second now Nick's heart was going to burst out of his chest, but he was pretty sure it would be worth it. It took him a couple seconds to find his voice, and when he finally did it sounded a little hoarse. "I thought you were going to bed."

Greg shrugged, his lips finally curving into a small smile. "I'm off all weekend, I can sleep later."

Nick was sure he was grinning like an idiot, but he couldn't make himself care. All that mattered was that Greg didn't hate him, and when he got back from Texas maybe…maybe everything really would be okay after all. "Thanks," he said, resisting the urge to pull Greg close and kiss him again. A ride to the airport wasn't even close to what he wanted, but it was a start.

fin

FANFIC: Sweet Cool Water by Caroline Crane 11/12

Posted with permission from the author. See notes in sidebar.
Title: Sweet Cool Water
Author: Caroline Crane
Rating: NC17 (See happy reading in sidebar!)
Fandom: CSI
Pairing: Nick/Greg
Summary: A hard night on the job and an unexpected encounter with a familiar face force Nick to re-examine some things about himself.
Chapters: 01, 02, 03, 04, 05, 06, 07, 08, 09, 10, 11, 12.

Part eleven

Greg rushed the DNA results through at record speed, and by the time the night shift was over Allan Keene had been booked on three counts of murder. Nick watched the entire process, lingering at the station and shadowing Brass while he finalized the details of the arrest. Grissom had gone back to the lab hours ago, doing his part to solidify evidence from there. Nick knew Grissom could have ordered him to go back to the lab, put him on another case to keep him busy for the rest of the night.

Either Grissom didn't notice or he figured letting Nick hang around the station would keep him out of Grissom's hair, but either way he didn't say anything. So Nick waited around, pretending he didn't notice the weird looks Brass shot at him every so often. He wasn't even sure what he was waiting for; they had the guy, all the evidence pointed to him and the DNA results were just the final nail in his coffin. There was no reason for Nick to wait around, but he couldn't shake the feeling that something was going to happen.

He kept waiting for it, all night long and into the morning he waited for that feeling to hit him. Whenever they solved a case there was always a point after all the evidence was gathered when Nick felt a sense of justice, that satisfying feeling of a job well done. No matter how brutal the case was or how much death he'd waded through, he always felt a little better about it when they caught the person responsible.

This time shouldn't have been any different; it should have been better, in fact, because he'd taken this case a lot harder than he usually did. So he waited in the station, watching them book Keene and lead him away to a holding cell. He went over the evidence again just to make it more real in his mind, read the e-mails Jessie and Chris had sent back and forth about the guy from the support group. He read the whole conversation over and over again, his heart sinking a little more each time he got to the end and Jessie and Chris still decided to go through with it.

He knew he couldn't change the outcome just by reading those e-mails, but that didn't make it any easier to live with the knowledge. He couldn't change any of the details of the case, not the way those boys had died or the fact that they were dead because of some sick bastard who hated himself so much he had to take it out on innocent kids. He couldn't take back any of the things he'd done wrong in this case, not lying to Jessie's father or using Greg to try and forget.

By the time the DNA results came back and Keene was formally charged Nick should have felt better, he should have at least felt a little sense of relief that they'd closed the case and found some justice for the families of the victims. Only that sense of justice never came, and by the time he got back to the lab he felt even worse. He'd been telling himself for over a week now that he'd feel better when the case was closed, but as he walked back into the lab his stomach turned and he had to force his legs to carry him down the hall.

He was almost to the locker room when Grissom caught up with him, frowning instantly when he caught sight of Nick's expression. "Nick," he said, sounding almost surprised to see the other man, "you look terrible."

"Thanks, Gris," Nick shot back, grimacing when his boss raised an eyebrow at him. "I'm just wiped out."

The truth was that he didn't know what was wrong with him; he'd done what he was supposed to do, they'd all done their jobs and they'd solved the case. He couldn't bring those kids back to life no matter how much he wanted to, and beating himself up about it wasn't going to do anybody any good. He couldn't even make things right with Jessie's father, because he'd planted the seed of doubt and he knew even if he went back there and told Mr. Walker the truth the other man wouldn't believe him.

He didn't want to believe the truth, and sometimes what people wanted to believe was a lot more important than what they needed to know. Or maybe that was just the excuse Nick had come up with so he wouldn't have to go over there and face Jessie's father again. It didn't matter anymore, because the damage was done and there was nothing Nick could do to fix it.

"If you're still sick you should go home," Grissom said, and Nick had to work hard not to roll his eyes. Shift was over and they were all headed home, but pointing out the obvious to Grissom wasn't going to get him anywhere. "Maybe you should take a few days. Rest, pull yourself together."

Nick was skilled enough in Gris-speak by now to hear the truth behind the concern: You're way too wrapped up in your own problems, Nick. You're no good to me until you get your head screwed back on straight. He wanted to laugh at that last word, but it wasn't even close to funny. He wasn't sure anything in his life had ever been less funny, as a matter of fact, and he had no idea how he was supposed to 'pull himself together'. Knowing what the hell was wrong with him would be a good start, but he hadn't even been able to figure that out. And the worst part was that it wasn't just affecting his job, it was affecting the people around him. He'd managed somehow to make Grissom and Greg think he was a basket case, and he was sure other people were starting to notice.

"I'm fine," he heard himself say, managing not to wince at the edge in his voice.

Grissom's expression let him know that the older man hadn't missed it, and when he spoke again it was in that tone of his that told Nick this was an argument he wasn't going to win. "Go home, Nick. Take some time off. Come back fresh."

Nick knew what that meant; figure out how to fix whatever's wrong with you or don't bother coming back at all. He nodded anyway, letting out a deep breath when Grissom finally dropped his gaze and headed back to his office. For a few seconds he just stood in the middle of the hall, one hand on the back of his neck while he waited for his head to stop spinning. He had no idea what had just happened; they'd solved the case, the right guy was in a holding cell down at the station and all was right with the world. Only the sick, gnawing emptiness in the pit of his stomach was still there, and apparently Nick couldn't even do his job anymore.

When he realized he was still standing in the middle of the hall he forced himself to move, his legs heavy as he made his way to the locker room and sat down on the bench in front of the row of lockers. He took his time pulling off his I.D. and then his shirt, tossing both in his locker before he reached for a fresh shirt and pulled it on. Everything felt wrong, like he was moving in slow motion or time had somehow slowed down while he wasn't looking. And there was still that nagging feeling in the back of his mind like he'd left something unsettled, only he didn't know what it was.

He sighed and made his way out of the locker room, his mind still swimming. Solving the case hadn't erased his memories of that night in the alley; he hadn't really expected it to, but he'd been hoping catching the guy responsible would make it easier to stop thinking about it. Instead he kept seeing those three faces even more now, over and over in his mind's eye as he made his way out to the parking lot. By the time he reached the door his heart was racing, and when he stepped outside he breathed in sharply and had to cough against the sudden stinging in his lungs.

It took a few moments for the coughing fit to subside, and when he finally looked up he realized for the first time that he wasn't alone. His heart skipped a beat when he found Greg watching him, his expression unreadable and his mouth set in that same grim line Nick had seen earlier. "You okay?"

"Yeah," Nick answered, but his voice was hoarse and he was sure his face was red. "Just swallowed wrong or something."

Greg nodded shortly and turned away, but as soon as Nick realized he was actually leaving he started moving. He didn't remember making the decision to go after Greg, but before he knew it his hand was on the other man's shoulder and he was turning Greg to face him. "Sanders, wait."

Greg flinched under his hand and pulled free, and Nick didn't try to stop him. He didn't have the right – didn't even have any reason to stop Greg, really. He had no idea what he wanted to say, but he felt like he should say something. "Look," he continued, "I'm sorry about earlier, all right?"

Greg shrugged and looked away, and Nick tried to ignore the hollow ache in his stomach. "Forget it. You don't wanna talk about it, I got the message. I've gotta go, I have someplace to be."

"Wait," he said again when Greg started toward his Jeep. He still didn't have a clue what he was going to say or even why he was bothering; Greg had just let him off the hook, so he should just accept it an get on with his life. Only Greg wouldn't even look at him, and everything still felt all wrong. "It's just the case…"

"I know all about the case," Greg interrupted, his features twisting into an uncharacteristic scowl. "I know exactly how much it's eating at you. I was there the other night, remember? I've been there since this whole thing started, did you think I was gonna miss that? I'm not stupid, Nick, I know what's going on here. So don't tell me you're sorry or that this is all because of the case. If you can't handle it that's fine, but at least have the balls to say it."

Nick flinched involuntarily, but he managed not to take a step backwards. He'd expected Greg to be pissed, but he hadn't expected that. And maybe he deserved it, but Greg was the one who'd started this whole thing. He'd known going into this that it didn't mean anything, that Nick was just blowing off steam. So they'd slept together a few more times than either of them had probably planned; it didn't make any difference.

"What do you want from me?" he asked, surprised to find that he really wanted to know the answer. He hadn't given much thought to what Greg wanted since this whole thing started, but now that he'd said it he couldn't help wondering. "You said yourself that we were just having a good time, right?"

Something like a sharp, bitter laugh escaped Greg's throat, and just for a second when he looked up Nick could read exactly what he was thinking. Then he blinked and it was gone, and Nick was left wondering if he'd just imagined the flash of emotion. "Yeah, well, I guess I'm not having such a good time anymore."

Nick didn't try to stop him this time. He wasn't sure whether or not he wanted to, because he knew if he did Greg would say something he wasn't ready to hear. Maybe he'd known all along that this was more than just two friends messing around, at least for Greg. The problem was that he didn't know what it had been for him, and he wasn't sure if he wanted it to be something different now. He wasn't even sure that was possible, because Greg had made it pretty clear that the time for negotiation was past.

He waited until Greg was out of the parking lot before he got in his own car and started the engine. For a second he considered following Greg home, forcing an end to whatever they'd been doing all week. He wasn't sure what else there was to say, though, and even if he knew he wasn't sure he could get Greg to listen.

Part twelve

FANFIC: Sweet Cool Water by Caroline Crane 10/12

Posted with permission from the author. See notes in sidebar.
Title: Sweet Cool Water
Author: Caroline Crane
Rating: NC17 (See happy reading in sidebar!)
Fandom: CSI
Pairing: Nick/Greg
Summary: A hard night on the job and an unexpected encounter with a familiar face force Nick to re-examine some things about himself.
Chapters: 01, 02, 03, 04, 05, 06, 07, 08, 09, 10, 11, 12.

Part ten

Nick spent the next two days trying and failing to forget everything that happened at Greg's place. He didn't remember falling asleep in Greg's bed, but he remembered waking up with Greg's arm still wrapped securely around his waist as Greg drooled against his shoulder in his sleep. For a second it was almost cute, but as soon as he woke up enough to remember the night before he stopped thinking about how cute Greg looked and started thinking about how fast he could get out of there.

It was the first time he'd ever felt guilty about leaving before the other person woke up; usually he figured he was doing them both the favor of sparing them the awkward morning after routine, but with Greg…with Greg all the rules changed. He'd tried telling himself it was because they worked together, but that didn't explain why he'd spent his entire day off stopping himself from driving back to Greg's place. There was just something about the way he felt when they were together, the way Greg kissed him like they had all the time in the world.

Greg had kissed him for a long time after he broke down over the case. He hadn't tried to talk about it anymore; maybe he could tell Nick couldn't take it, or maybe he was just afraid Nick wouldn't bother to wait until he fell asleep to run out on him. He had no idea how long they'd stayed awake after that, kissing and touching and eventually bringing each other off again with long, slow strokes. It wasn't until Greg finally wrapped his fingers around Nick's cock that he realized it was the first time Greg had touched him that way, and every time he thought about it now he was left with the aching knowledge that it would be the last time.

There was no way Greg was ever going to sleep with him again after the way Nick had acted. He told himself it was for the best, that he'd screwed up their working relationship enough already and the sooner they forgot all of this the better off they'd both be. But no matter how many times he told himself that, he couldn't stop wanting Greg. And worse, he couldn't stop remembering the way he'd fallen apart right in front of him.

He thought having the next day off would make it better, but the more time that passed the worse he felt about taking off without an explanation. It was a cowardly thing to do, and lately he'd been taking the coward's way out a lot. Thinking about it made him nauseous, but he couldn't not think about it, so he'd spent the past twenty-four hours alternating between hating himself and trying not to throw up.

Part of him wanted to go back to work just so he could throw himself into whatever case Grissom assigned him and forget about his own problems for awhile. But there was another part of him that didn't want to go anywhere near the crime lab, because he knew he'd run into Greg eventually. He wasn't even sure which he was more afraid of – that Greg would try to talk to him, or that he wouldn't want to.

He had a case to focus on, though, and with any luck they'd found something on Jessie's computer that would help solve it. Nick pulled his I.D. around his neck and closed his locker door, taking a deep breath before he forced himself out into the lab. There was a tension in the air, different than the usual energy brought on by cases to be solved and too much caffeine. He couldn't quite put his finger on what had changed, but as he made his way to the break room for assignments he couldn't help tensing a little in anticipation of whatever was about to happen.

Maybe that was why he didn't notice Greg until the other man was right in front of him. And he should have known that Greg wouldn't try to avoid him; he just wasn't that kind of guy, not when he thought he had something to offer. What Greg thought he could do for Nick he wasn't sure, but he had a feeling it involved a lot more talking than Nick was ready to deal with.

"Hey."

"Hey," Nick echoed, tensing even more at the sound of Greg's voice. It was a little too low and a little too reminiscent of the last time Greg had talked to him, quiet and soothing and whispering things Nick didn't want to remember in the harsh lights of the crime lab. "Listen, G, I've gotta get in there before Gris blows a gasket…"

He gestured lamely toward the break room, but Greg ignored it and leaned in a little closer. "So are we gonna talk about this or what? It's okay, you know. Totally understandable."

Nick frowned, confusion marring his features as he tried to decide what exactly Greg was getting at. He wasn't sure whether Greg thought he was embarrassed about crying in front of him or if he was just trying to let Nick off the hook for leaving without saying goodbye, but either way they both knew it was inexcusable. That was the whole point; Nick took off so he wouldn't have to have this conversation at all, and Greg was either too stubborn or too stupid to take a hint. A heavy sigh escaped his throat and he ran his hands over his face, part of him hoping that when he looked up again Greg would be gone.

He'd never been that lucky, though, and when he opened his eyes again Greg was still watching him, his jaw set in a determined line. Something about the way Greg was looking at him made Nick want to lean forward and kiss him, force that jaw to relax until they both forgot what it was they were supposed to be talking about. But he couldn't do it, not here where the entire lab could see them. Besides, he had a feeling it wouldn't work this time, and even if he thought it would he knew he didn't have the right.

"Greg…" His voice dropped to barely above a whisper, and suddenly this whole situation felt way too intimate. He could feel the ghost of Greg's hands on him, feel the warmth of the water from Greg's shower and Greg's mouth kissing his tears away. His cock stirred in response to the memories and he felt his skin heating up; he'd never felt so out of control in his life, and he knew if he kept standing there he was going to say something he'd regret.

Greg was waiting for him to say something, to come up with some excuse or maybe an apology that would make everything okay again. And part of Nick wished he could, that he could find the words to make it all right so they could go back to whatever they'd been before all this happened. Only Greg didn't want to go back, that much was obvious, and Nick couldn't give him what he wanted. He swallowed a sigh and opened his mouth, intent on giving Greg the 'it's been fun, but…' speech for the second time, but before he got the words out he heard footsteps behind him.

He straightened up automatically, pulling himself back together with the ease of long practice. He glanced over his shoulder, forcing a casual smile when he saw Catherine headed toward him. "Hey, Cath," he said, hoping he sounded at least close to normal.

"Hey," she echoed, casting a quick, curious glance at Greg before she turned back to Nick. "I take it you haven't heard."

"Heard what?" Nick asked, his shoulders tensing again for an entirely different reason. Instantly his mind switched gears, and he forgot all about his problems with Greg as he waited for Catherine to deliver whatever news she had about the case.

"They brought somebody in," Catherine answered. "They extracted some deleted e-mails from Jessie Walker's server and traced them all to someone who claimed to be working for a teen outreach group. Brass and Grissom are questioning him now."

"They think this is the guy?" Nick asked, already falling into step with Catherine as she started down the hall again.

"Hey, Stokes."

As soon as he heard Greg's voice Nick froze and glanced over his shoulder. Greg was still leaning against the doorframe where Nick had found him, but his expression this time was unreadable. Nick had only seen him like that one other time, and that time he'd pushed Nick bodily out of his lab. At the time Nick hadn't really paid attention, but now he swallowed a wave of regret. "I gotta do this," Nick said, wincing at the apology in his voice that he was sure Catherine heard just as clearly as Greg did. "I'll catch you later."

He pushed the guilt as far back as it would go and turned to follow Catherine out of the building, willing himself to focus on the details of the case and not the look on Greg's face when he'd walked away. This was what he needed to do; Greg knew it as well as he did, he couldn't fault Nick for that. They both had jobs to do, and Nick needed…he needed to see this guy with his own eyes. Even if he didn't get to interrogate him, he needed to be there so he could see for himself whether or not this guy was the one responsible. Greg had to understand that, just like he had to know that Nick was grateful for everything Greg had done for him. And he was, even if he wasn't any good at showing it.

There would be time for that later, though, after this case was over and he and Greg were back to normal. Once Nick was back on even ground again he could tell Greg that he appreciated it, that he was sorry for the way things went down. Greg was a smart guy, he'd understand why Nick needed to see this case through. It wasn't about avoiding what had happened between them or being embarrassed about crying in front of Greg. He wasn't that big a jerk, no matter what Greg thought of him right now. He just needed to do this, needed to see this case through so he could get back to normal.

Fifteen minutes later he and Catherine were standing shoulder to shoulder, a heavy silence hanging between them as they watched Grissom lay out the evidence for the suspect on the other side of the glass. Nick had been through this hundreds of times – on both sides of the glass – and he knew the suspect never looked the way they expected him to. He knew better than to expect a real live monster sitting in the chair across from Grissom, complete with horns and breathing fire. He'd told himself a hundred times over the past week that when they found him he'd be somebody normal, that he'd look just like anybody else on the street.

Knowing that never made it any less jarring when he actually saw the suspect for himself, though, and this time the normalcy of the situation hit him even harder. The guy looked so weak; he was thin and a little gaunt, as though he wasn't used to eating regularly. He definitely wasn't a match for three healthy seventeen-year-olds, which explained the sedatives they'd found in the boys' systems.

Anger flashed hot in Nick's chest as he played out the scene in his head along with Grissom's narrative; Jessie reaching out to someone he thought was a peer counselor, a guy who claimed to be just a few years older than him. A few e-mails back and forth, an invitation for Jessie and his friends to come to the club, promises that their 'new friend' could get them in. He told them it would be good for them, help them feel like there was somewhere they belonged, somewhere they could fit in and just be themselves for awhile.

The e-mails stopped when Jessie finally agreed on a date and time, but it was pretty easy to fill in the blanks after that. Nick knew the club owner and his staff were nervous enough about losing their liquor license to give a positive I.D., and then all they had to do was match the guy's DNA to the evidence he'd left behind at the crime scene. He was either incredibly stupid or incredibly arrogant, but it didn't really matter which, because there was no way he was going to get off. They had him, and as soon as Grissom took a swab and sent it back to the lab the case would be closed.

He had to stop himself from volunteering to run the swab back to Greg. He wanted to do something, anything besides stand on the other side of the glass with his hands clenched into fists and his arms crossed over his chest. He was so tense he thought he might snap if he didn't do something, but going back to the lab and dealing with Greg when he felt like this was a bad idea. So he let Catherine do it, ignored the look she gave him before she left and told himself she didn't know what was wrong. She couldn't; despite what she thought, she wasn't any more of a mind reader than Grissom, and neither of them knew what was really going on in his head.

Part eleven

FANFIC: Sweet Cool Water by Caroline Crane 9/12

Posted with permission from the author. See notes in sidebar.
Title: Sweet Cool Water
Author: Caroline Crane
Rating: NC17 (See happy reading in sidebar!)
Fandom: CSI
Pairing: Nick/Greg
Summary: A hard night on the job and an unexpected encounter with a familiar face force Nick to re-examine some things about himself.
Chapters: 01, 02, 03, 04, 05, 06, 07, 08, 09, 10, 11, 12.

Part nine

"Shower," Greg said as soon as they stumbled through his apartment door. Nick nodded and let Greg pull him toward the bathroom, leaving a trail of clothes from the front door all the way down the hall. He stepped out of his boxers as Greg turned on the shower, then let himself be pulled into the tub and under the warm stream of water.

It wasn't the first time he'd been in Greg's shower, but something about standing under the water with Greg made it feel strangely intimate. Greg was standing directly under the spray, head tilted back and his eyes closed against the water. For a second Nick was struck with the urge to run, to get out of Greg's apartment and out of his life before he did any more damage. Instead he found himself leaning forward, mouth against Greg's neck to catch a few stray drops of water on his tongue.

It was easy to forget why he'd just been thinking about leaving when Greg's arms slid around his waist, warm and wet and sliding up his back to pull him even closer. Fingers clutched at his skin, kneading at the tense muscles in his back as he worked his way from Greg's neck up to his mouth. Greg's lips parted easily under his, the kiss hot and wet and any second now Nick's legs were going to come out from under him. Greg must have felt him shake, because the next thing he knew he was pressed up against cool tile with a very slippery and enthusiastic Greg plastered to his chest.

Nick's hand slid into Greg's hair, pushing the wet strands away from his face as Greg took control of the kiss. He wasn't used to giving up control, not to anyone, but he'd been so tired for days and somehow it felt right just to let Greg take charge. It was easy, almost as though they'd been doing this forever and Greg knew exactly what he needed.

That thought sent a shiver through Nick, so he pressed back a little harder against the tiles and slid his free arm around Greg's waist. He splayed his fingers across the small of Greg's back, angling his hips up as he pulled the other man forward. Greg gasped against his mouth when their cocks slid together, pulling back to look at Nick while he slid his hands up the other man's chest.

Greg's hair was wet and flat against his scalp for once, and like this he looked even younger than usual. For a few endless moments he just watched Nick, his head tilted a little as though he was trying to make up his mind about something. Nick fought the urge to squirm under the other man's scrutiny, but before it got unbearable Greg leaned forward and pressed another soft kiss to the corner of his mouth. Nick started to pull him close again, but Greg pushed his hands gently away and reached for the shampoo sitting on the edge of the tub.

He poured a little shampoo into his hand and then pulled Nick away from the wall, smiling at Nick's puzzled expression. Nick opened his mouth to suggest they find something a little less soapy than shampoo to use as lube, but before he got the words out Greg was pulling him under the water, making sure his hair was thoroughly wet before he reached up and smoothed the shampoo through it. As soon as he realized what Greg was doing Nick tensed, but the combination of warm water against his skin and Greg's fingers massaging his scalp were soothing, and before long he was closing his eyes and tilting his head back a little more.

Warm kisses feathered his shoulders and the back of his neck as Greg worked the shampoo through his hair, and when he let out an involuntary moan Greg laughed against his skin. "Like that?"

Nick heard himself murmur something that wasn't actually a word, but it seemed to be good enough for Greg. Another kiss landed on the top of his spine, then Greg eased him back under the water and began rinsing his hair. It was over long before Nick was ready, but when Greg finally pulled his hands out of Nick's hair he turned and pulled Greg close again. He breathed in sharply when their lips met again, inhaling the scents of shampoo and Greg as he explored the other man's mouth.

He'd never actually shampooed anyone's hair before; his relationships with women had never been that domestic, and his relationships with guys…well, those couldn't even be termed 'relationships'. Something told him Greg was expecting him to reciprocate, though, so he reached for the shampoo and poured some into his own hand. It was a little strange at first, feeling the texture of someone else's hair under his fingers and learning how much pressure to apply before it became too much. But after awhile he got the hang of it, and if the appreciative noises Greg was making were any indication, he wasn't doing such a bad job.

It gave him something to focus on, anyway, and it meant he got to touch Greg as much as he wanted to. He finished rinsing Greg's hair and then pulled the other man back against his chest, mouthing his way along Greg's neck until he reached the slowly fading bruise he'd left behind the last time he was in Greg's bed. For a second his memory flashed to another, darker bruise against much paler skin, and he shivered and tightened his grip on Greg, squeezing his eyes shut until the memory faded.

When he opened his eyes again Greg was facing him; Nick hadn't even felt him move, and that was definitely a sign that he was letting this get way out of hand. He let Greg kiss him again anyway, soft and slow and making his heart beat a little faster. He didn't resist when Greg pulled away this time, and he didn't argue when Greg quickly washed them both off and then shut off the water.

They kissed slowly while Greg dried them both off; letting Greg take care of him left Nick feeling strangely off-balance, but when they made it to the bedroom and he pushed Greg back onto the mattress things shifted back into place. Nick stretched out next to him, starting with Greg's mouth and working his way down the other man's body. He lingered at the spots he knew made Greg pant and thrust up against him, taking his time kissing his way along Greg's ribs and running a wet tongue down the line of hair between his belly button and his cock.

He avoided Greg's erection entirely, smiling against the other man's thigh when Greg moaned and thrust his hips up a little. One hand curved around Greg's hip, pressing him back down onto the mattress as Nick mouthed kisses along the inside of his thigh. He inhaled the scent of Greg's arousal mingled with the soap Greg had used to clean them both, remembering for a second the flash of grief and the way his arms tightened around Greg as he struggled for control. As soon as the memory surfaced he shook his head to chase it away, refocusing his energy on the soft skin at the back of Greg's knee.

The body underneath his shivered when Nick's tongue found a particularly sensitive spot, and he opened his mouth and sucked at Greg's skin until the other man was twisting under him and begging for mercy. Nick relented with one last kiss, working his way slowly back up Greg's thigh. He used his free hand to nudge Greg's legs a little further apart, his own cock twitching when Greg moaned and bent his knees to give Nick better access. For a moment he stayed frozen, hovering just above Greg as he took in the open willingness of the body underneath him. He shivered with either fear or desire; he wasn't sure he could tell them apart anymore, but then Greg opened his eyes and it didn't matter.

Nick's heart skipped a beat at the intense look in Greg's eyes, and he had to look away before he gave in to the urge to crawl back up Greg's body and kiss him senseless. He didn't want to enjoy kissing Greg as much as he did; he didn't want to crave that sensation or the flutter in his stomach every time their lips met. Instead he slid his tongue along the underside of Greg's cock before he exhaled against damp skin. Greg shuddered and clutched the sheets a little tighter in anticipation, and when Nick's mouth closed around the tip of his cock Greg gasped and jerked up hard.

His grip tightened on Greg's hip, his other hand finding Greg's and entwining their fingers together. And Greg was strong – stronger than he looked – and his grip on Nick's fingers was enough to distract the other man from his own aching cock. He liked the way Greg twisted underneath him, liked the fact that it was him making Greg lose control. He liked Greg's openness, the way he anticipated what Nick needed and went along with whatever it was.

The suddenness of Greg's orgasm took them both by surprise, the bitter-salt taste on Nick's tongue and lips as he kept working his mouth along Greg's length, riding out the last of the shudders that rocked the other man's body. Finally he let Greg slip out of his mouth, pressing wet kisses up Greg's stomach and chest until he was stretched out on top of the other man. He supported his weight on one arm while he reached over Greg for the nightstand drawer, easing it open with one hand.

It didn't bother him as much as it should that he knew where Greg kept the condoms, and when he slid inside tight heat it felt familiar in a way he wasn't expecting. Greg was still breathing hard, but his arms wrapped tightly around Nick's back and his leg hooked around Nick's waist to hold him in place. He met each of Nick's thrusts, matching his speed even when Nick lost control and began to thrust more wildly.

He could hear Greg murmuring breathless words of encouragement, things like 'harder' and 'please' and 'oh God' all mixed up with his name and a few things Nick couldn't make out. Too late he remembered why he didn't usually do this face to face, why he'd promised himself after the last time he'd fucked Greg like this that it would never happen again. He told himself to close his eyes, to block out everything but the body underneath him and the tight heat gripping his cock. But he couldn't bring himself to do it, not when he could see every emotion and every flash of pleasure in Greg's expression.

His neck was thrown back and elongated, giving Nick perfect access to sweat-slick skin. He leaned forward to run his tongue along Greg's neck, shifting just enough to hit Greg's prostate in the process. Greg gasped and clamped down on Nick's cock for a second, dragging a moan out of Nick as he thrust even harder. There was no way he could last, not with Greg's muscles clenching around him and his fingers digging into Nick's shoulders hard enough to leave bruises.

A few seconds later he was thrusting one last time, letting go with a broken sigh. He managed to slip out of Greg before he collapsed, rolling to the side so he wouldn't crush Greg under his weight. For awhile they just lay side by side, their harsh breathing the only sound in the room. Nick registered the distant sound of traffic outside, pictured people going about their days as though nothing was wrong. For a second he could almost believe that everything really was all right, that the past week was just a bad dream he couldn't quite manage to wake up from.

Greg moved first, warm lips brushing across Nick's shoulder before he reached down and carefully removed the condom. Nick watched the process with a kind of detached awareness, registering the fact that Greg was taking care of him again without really thinking about what it meant. He had a feeling it should bother him at least a little, but he was worn out and relaxed enough to sleep for the first time in days, and he didn't want to think about it. He didn't want to think about anything; what he wanted to do was close his eyes and drift for awhile, and maybe when he woke up his life would make sense again.

He smiled when he felt Greg settle back down next to him, reaching out to card his fingers absently through Greg's hair. He was nearly asleep when Greg shifted again, warm skin sliding against Nick and bringing him closer to awareness. "How's the case going?"

"Hmm?" Nick murmured, not quite registering Greg's question.

"I heard they put you back on the triple homicide," Greg said, pushing himself up on one elbow to look down at Nick. Nick opened his eyes then, the peaceful drowsiness that had settled over him dissipating as soon as he realized what Greg was saying. "Heard they sent you to talk to one of the families."

"It was nothing," Nick lied, clamping down hard on the memory of Jessie Walker's untouched bedroom. "Gris wanted the kid's computer."

"Yeah, I heard about that too. Heard they found some e-mails or something that might help them come up with a suspect. Guess that means they might actually get me a DNA sample I can use."

An image of three dead kids appeared in Nick's mind and he shut his eyes tight against it, listening to the sound of his heart pounding against his ears until the image faded. He didn't want to think about that night, about collecting the DNA Greg hadn't been able to find a match for. He didn't want to think about the case at all, not when he'd just been feeling good for the first time in almost a week. There was no way he could get that back now, though, and now all he wanted to do was get up and find his clothes so he wouldn't have to listen to Greg talking about the case anymore.

"…about the kid's father," Greg was saying, and Nick's forehead furrowed as he forced his eyes open again. He had no idea what the first half of the sentence had been, but Greg didn't seem to notice that he'd lost Nick somewhere along the way. "I can't imagine that. I mean I waited until college to come out to my parents, but I knew they weren't gonna freak out about it. I have a feeling they figured it out before I did, to tell you the truth."

Slowly it dawned on Nick that Greg was talking about Jessie's father; he must have heard Warrick talking the same way Nick had, or maybe one of the other CSIs had been running their mouths about Mr. Walker's reaction to the news that his son was gay. Only Nick had taken care of that problem for him, and his stomach turned when he remembered the look on the other man's face as Nick sat in his living room and lied.

"Still," Greg continued, oblivious to the effect his words were having on Nick, "that would be a hell of a way to find out that you'd never really known your kid at all."

Nick didn't answer; he closed his eyes again, breathing in and then out again methodically, focusing on the sound of his breathing so he wouldn't have to listen to the sound of Greg's voice. All he could think was that he'd taken away Jessie Walker's identity; the kid was dead, he didn't have anything left to lose, and Nick had taken away his last chance to let his parents know the truth. Mr. Walker would never accept his own son because Nick had given him the perfect excuse not to.

He didn't notice when Greg stopped talking, and he didn't feel it when Greg moved again. He nearly forgot that Greg was still in the bed with him until he felt fingers brushing his cheek and heard Greg's voice, soft and far-away like he was whispering to Nick from the end of a tunnel.

"Hey," Greg murmured, his fingers brushing rhythmically along Nick's cheek, "Nick…I'm sorry."

Nick wanted to ask why he was apologizing, but he was distracted by the dampness of Greg's fingers on his face. He wondered idly how Greg's hands had gotten wet, but before he could ask Greg was leaning forward, kissing his cheeks and then his eyes. When Greg's mouth found his Nick tasted salt, and when a hard lump formed in his throat he realized for the first time that he'd been crying.

Part ten

FANFIC: Sweet Cool Water by Caroline Crane 8/12

Posted with permission from the author. See notes in sidebar.
Title: Sweet Cool Water
Author: Caroline Crane
Rating: NC17 (See happy reading in sidebar!)
Fandom: CSI
Pairing: Nick/Greg
Summary: A hard night on the job and an unexpected encounter with a familiar face force Nick to re-examine some things about himself.
Chapters: 01, 02, 03, 04, 05, 06, 07, 08, 09, 10, 11, 12.

Part eight

After his run-in with Grissom Nick managed to make it back to the locker room without running into anyone else, and once he was alone in the silence of the locker room his heart started to slow down again. He wasn't sure what was happening to him; a panic attack, maybe, or possibly just overwhelming anger with himself. Either way he couldn't seem to stop the feelings that were rolling through him, he couldn't stop the images from coming or the anger from welling up inside him.

Focusing on changing his shirt made it a little easier, so when he finished with that he found the toothbrush he kept in his locker and focused on chasing the acrid taste out of his mouth. Several minutes later his gums were raw and the flavor of mint lingered on his tongue, and he'd stopped picturing that night in the alley almost a week ago. The memories weren't gone, but more recent memories of his own lies and the look of relief on Mr. Walker's face had taken center stage in his mind.

He knew it was because it had been less than an hour since he left Jessie's father standing on his front step, waving as though Nick had single-handedly given him back his son. Nobody could do that, but Nick had given him back the image of the son he wanted to remember. There were a lot of people who would probably applaud Nick for what he'd done, congratulate him on giving a grieving father the only piece of mind he could offer. Knowing that didn't help Nick feel any less sick about it, though, and it didn't make him any less angry.

It wasn't fair to compare Mr. Walker to his own parents; he'd never given his parents the chance to accept him when he was still living in Texas, and after he left it just didn't seem to matter. They didn't have much to do with his life anymore, and what they didn't know about him wouldn't hurt them. He'd never been open about it, not in college and certainly not when he was still a cop. He was smart enough to know his personal life could cost him his job if he wasn't careful, so he'd learned to hide that part of himself and after awhile it was almost second nature.

Knowing what Jessie and those other boys had been going through made it easier for him to sympathize with them, but it made it harder for him to live with the fact that he'd lied to make Jessie's father feel better. He kept telling himself he'd done it so he could get Jessie's computer, so they could catch the guy who did this and get some justice for those kids. He told himself that was all that mattered, and even though part of him believed it, there was a part of him that knew better.

That same part of him hated what he'd done, hated that he'd denied the one thing that tied him to Jessie and those other kids. They didn't deserve to die because of who they were, but when he'd lied to Jessie's father that was exactly what he'd been saying. No one would blame him for what he'd done, but that didn't matter because he couldn't stop blaming himself.

And the worst part was that they still didn't know much more about the case than they had that first night. If they were making some progress he was sure he'd feel better, but so far all they had was a few e-mails that might or might not be from the killer. With any luck Jessie's computer would tell them more, but if it didn't then they were at another dead end. Nick knew time was running out; Grissom wouldn't keep working the case much longer with nothing to go on, no matter how high-profile it was. Three dead gay kids was news, but it was the kind of news people wanted to forget about as quickly as possible.

Nick groaned and pushed himself away from the sink he'd been leaning against, putting his toothbrush back in his locker before he headed back out into the lab again. There was nothing else he could really do, but he couldn't just hang around and do nothing. He thought about telling Grissom he was sick and going home early, but the thought of being alone with his thoughts was worse than the thought of staring at old evidence for the rest of the night.

He headed down to the evidence room on automatic pilot, checking out the box that held what they had so far from the triple homicide. He looked through the boys' wallets again, making note of the concert ticket stub in Chris' wallet and a book of matches from the club where they'd died. He picked up Jessie's wallet last, turning it over before he unfolded it and looked inside.

The contents hadn't changed any since the inventory was made; a few dollars, a school I.D. and a library card, the fake I.D. he'd used to get into the club, and a picture of him and Chris that had been taken at one of those automatic photo booths. He set the wallet down and looked more closely at the picture, noting for the first time the way Jessie's hand rested on Chris' shoulder and the way they leaned into each other.

An image of the ballpoint heart on the cover of Jessie's notebook flashed in his mind, and Nick's throat tightened as he realized that they were dating. Maybe they were even in love, and Jessie's parents would never know. They'd never know their son was happy even though he'd had to hide who he was, that he'd found somebody who understood him. At least he looked happy in the picture, and Nick could barely reconcile that smiling face to the one he remembered from the alley.

What he didn't get was why Jessie and Chris were at the club in the first place; he was pretty sure now that they were a couple, and he knew the club where they were killed was a pick-up joint. He knew how they'd gotten in; guys who went to places like that liked boys like Jessie and his friends, and letting in underage kids attracted more paying customers for the club's owner. Getting that place shut down would take a lot more than three underage kids with decent fake I.D.s, but if Nick could find a way to put the club out of business he'd do it.

Right now, though, his first priority was finding the guy who killed those three boys. He tucked the picture back into Jessie's wallet and carefully put the evidence back in the box before he pulled his gloves off and headed down to the computer lab. He wasn't surprised to find Grissom already there, his head bent over one of the monitors as he watched the tech on duty typing something into the screen.

"Hey," Nick said when the other men looked up at him, "you get anything yet?"

"It looks like those e-mails we found on Chris' computer were forwarded from Jessie," Grissom answered. "Jessie also frequented a web site aimed at gay teenagers. Sort of a cyber-support group. That's all we've got so far."

Nick nodded and glanced at the screen, watching lines of code fly past for a few moments before he answered. "Listen, Gris, I'm not sure if it makes a difference to the case, but I'm pretty sure Jessie and Chris were an item."

"Judging by the e-mails on Jessie's hard drive I'd say you were right," Grissom answered, his expression a mixture of amusement and surprise. "May I ask what brought you to that conclusion?"

"There's a picture of the two of them in Jessie's wallet," Nick answered, "and when I was at his house I saw a notebook on Jessie's desk. He had Chris' initials outlined in a heart on the cover."

Grissom nodded, holding his gaze for another moment before he turned back to the screen. "Good work. Unfortunately that doesn't really help us figure out what they were doing at that club."

The way Grissom looked at him made Nick feel as though the older man was reading his mind again. He'd gotten that feeling once already tonight, when Grissom found him in the bathroom. He was pretty sure he didn't look as shaken up as he had then; at least he'd cleaned up a little and stopped shaking, but that didn't make him feel any better when Grissom was looking at him like he could see right through him.

"So do you think this internet group could have anything to do with the case?" Nick asked, glancing at the screen again only to find even more computer language he didn't understand.

"That's what we're trying to find out," Grissom answered without looking up. "Look, Nick, maybe you should go home. Shift's almost over, and you still don't look that good. Take tomorrow off, get some rest."

"I'm fine, Gris."

Grissom looked up at him then, and Nick knew before he even said it that there was no use arguing. Somehow he'd managed to become a liability in the investigation, and when Grissom looked at him like that he had a feeling the older man knew exactly why. "There's nothing more you can do here. You did a good job with Mr. Walker, Nick. Now go home and get some rest."

Nick didn't bother to answer; instead he nodded and turned toward the door, managing not to slam it on his way out of the lab. The rational part of him knew Grissom was right; there was nothing for him to do until they got all the information they could off Jessie's computer, but even if he went home he wasn't going to get any sleep. He hadn't been able to sleep at all since the case began, except for the two nights he'd spent in Greg's bed.

He was on his way back to the locker room when he passed Greg's lab, his footsteps slowing down automatically at the sight of the other man. As soon as he reached the door Greg looked up, and Nick could tell by the other man's expression that he looked just as bad as he felt. The only time he'd felt okay all week had been those two nights with Greg, and he wanted to feel that way again just for a little while. He just wanted to forget for awhile, and he knew there was only one way he'd be able to.

Before he realized he'd made the decision he was pushing open the door to the lab, glancing over his shoulder to make sure there was no one hanging around before he crossed the room and stopped next to Greg. He glanced down at the lab station long enough to note that Greg didn't seem to be busy, then he cleared his throat and looked up again.

"You okay?" Greg asked, his voice hesitant as though he was worried that Nick might not appreciate the concern. Not that Nick could blame him; he'd been avoiding the other man since the last time he woke up in Greg's bed, and he couldn't even use the case as an excuse. Hearing Greg's voice reminded him of how disgusted he was with himself, but it also reminded him of how easy it was to forget about everything when he was in Greg's bed.

He knew he shouldn't do it. He'd already told Greg it was over, and after that first day of awkward silence between them Greg seemed to accept it. Granted, Nick hadn't seen much of him around the lab, but when he had to go into Greg's lab the other man had been professional, if not his usual friendly self. Nick had told himself he could live with that, that it was best if they just kept their distance from now on. And yet here he was, and the last thing on his mind was keeping his distance.

"Yeah," he said, although he knew Greg could tell it was a lie just by looking at him. "You wanna get out of here a little early?"

For a second Greg looked surprised, then his expression shifted into a frown. "Look, Stokes…"

"What? You said yourself we have a good time together, right? So what's the problem?"

He hated himself a little more for doing it when he knew he shouldn't, but that didn't stop him from leaning forward and pressing his mouth to the mark he'd left on Greg's neck just a few days ago, tracing the slowly fading bruise with his tongue before he pulled back to look at Greg again. Somewhere in the back of his mind was a voice telling him that he shouldn't be doing this here, that anyone could walk by and if that happened it was all over. He couldn't make himself care, though, not when Greg's breathing picked up speed and his hand found its way to Nick's chest. Whether he'd meant to push him away or not Nick didn't care, because all Greg did was curl his fingers around Nick's shirt for a second before he remembered himself and let go.

"Nick, I…fuck it," Greg muttered, his cheeks flushing a flattering shade of red as he glanced over Nick's shoulder to make sure no one was watching from the hallway. "My place?"

"I'm right behind you," Nick answered, his grin returning as he pushed himself away from the lab station and into Greg's personal space. It was the same grin he'd used on Mr. Walker just before he'd lied to him, and his stomach twisted at the thought. As soon as it surfaced he shook it off, though, focusing all his attention on Greg as he followed the other man out of the lab and toward the parking lot.

Part nine

FANFIC: Sweet Cool Water by Caroline Crane 7/12

Posted with permission from the author. See notes in sidebar.
Title: Sweet Cool Water
Author: Caroline Crane
Rating: NC17 (See happy reading in sidebar!)
Fandom: CSI
Pairing: Nick/Greg
Summary: A hard night on the job and an unexpected encounter with a familiar face force Nick to re-examine some things about himself.
Chapters: 01, 02, 03, 04, 05, 06, 07, 08, 09, 10, 11, 12.

Part seven

Nick still wasn't exactly sure what he was doing here. He hadn't been working the triple homicide, so he was still a little sketchy on what exactly had led them to this point. All he knew was that they'd gotten some information off one of the kid's computers, and now everybody was back on the case and everything else had been pushed to the back burner.

Which led to Nick being ordered by Grissom to drive out to Jessie Walker's house and sweet talk his father into giving up Jessie's computer. "You're good with people," Grissom had said when Nick asked why he was being sent to talk to the father. It was what Grissom always said when he was handing off an assignment he didn't want to deal with personally; Nick knew it was true, he was good at setting people at ease, while Grissom usually left people wondering what had just happened to them.

That didn't make this particular assignment any easier, though, because it had been two days since he walked in on Warrick and Sara's conversation and he hadn't stopped thinking about Jessie's father since. More to the point, he hadn't stopped resenting him, comparing him to his own parents and wondering how somebody could care more about appearances than the fact that their kid was dead. It didn't matter that he'd never met Mr. Walker, it didn't even matter that he had no idea if Warrick's impression of him had been right. All that mattered was that he still couldn't think about Jessie without feeling sick, and now that he was back on the case it was worse instead of better.

He took a deep breath as he pulled up outside the Walkers' house, killing the engine and shutting off his headlights as slowly as possible. None of this was personal, he reminded himself for the hundredth time as he swung the car door open and set one foot on the ground. He didn't know these people, he told himself as he set the other foot down and closed the door behind him. He didn't even know Jessie, and this was just another case. Another case they were going to solve, and then he could put it behind him.

That thought carried him up the front walk and to the door, and he only hesitated for a second before he rang the doorbell. It felt like forever before the door finally swung open, and he barely managed not to flinch when he found himself face to face with Jessie's father. The older man's eyes were sunken and rimmed with red, and Nick found himself caught between a twisted mixture of pity and revulsion. He didn't want to be here; he wanted to turn around and get back in his truck, drive as fast as he could and not stop until he'd left every memory of this case behind him.

"Mr. Walker, I'm Nick Stokes with the Vegas crime lab," he began, the words spilling out of his mouth automatically.

"We've told you people everything," Mr. Walker said, his voice as weary as his features. "What else do you want?"

"Sir, we think we may have a new lead in the case," Nick answered, the cop in him taking over long enough to explain what he needed. "They found some e-mails on one of the other boys' computers that might help us find the person who killed your son. Did Jessie have access to a computer at home?"

"There's one in his room," Mr. Walker answered, his voice faltering a little as he glanced over his shoulder toward the hall that Nick assumed led to the bedrooms. "But I don't see what this has to do with anything."

"Sir, may I come in?" Nick asked, forcing himself to smile reassuringly when Mr. Walker turned to look at him again.

The older man nodded and took a step backwards, his shoulders deflating a little as he ushered Nick into the living room. Nick glanced around as he crossed the room and took a seat on the edge of the low couch, noting the scratches on the coffee table and the worn spots in the upholstery. He scanned the family pictures scattered around the shelves on one side of the room, his stomach lurching when he spotted an empty space and realized that must have been where Jessie's picture used to be.

The house was so much different than the one he'd grown up in; it was a lot smaller, for one thing, and despite the size of his family they'd always had the best of everything. His mother devoted her life to helping the less fortunate, spending her entire career in the public defender's office, but that didn't stop her from making sure their house looked like a judge's home. Seeing the way Jessie grew up just made him feel even worse.

"My wife's barely left the bedroom since it happened," Mr. Walker said, glancing toward the back of the house again as he sat in an ancient-looking leather recliner across from Nick. "She can't even say his name. It was bad enough before, but then they told us where they found him…"

He trailed off, his mouth twisting into a thin line that made Nick's stomach turn. Just for a second something like disgust flashed in the older man's eyes, and Nick was sure he wouldn't be able to do this. He couldn't just sit there and listen to the man talk about his son as though he'd never really known him. Only he didn't have a choice, because he was already on thin ice with Grissom as it was and he couldn't go back to the lab and admit he couldn't handle this case.

"Mr. Walker, the information we found in those e-mails indicates that someone set up a meeting with the boys. There's a good chance that there's more information on Jessie's computer, and if so we might be able to track down our suspect."

The older man nodded, but Nick could tell he wasn't really listening. His mind was back in that alley, probably picturing the same scene Nick had been trying to forget all week. He was going to be haunted by those images forever and he'd never even seen them; what chance did Nick have to exorcise them when he'd had a front row seat?

He swallowed a sigh and told himself to stick to the facts, to find a way to get Mr. Walker to cooperate. The only thing that mattered now was catching this guy before he killed any more kids, and Nick had to do whatever it took to make sure that happened.

"Look, sir, chances are that the location was incidental. The bartender doesn't remember actually seeing the boys inside the club," Nick said, his stomach turning even as he heard himself say the words. He knew it wasn't true; the bartender had lied to cover his boss' ass and save his job, but anybody could see through his story. Nick hadn't even had to hear the interrogation to figure that out. Still, the minute the words escaped his lips Mr. Walker's eyes lit up, and he turned back to Nick with a look of such hope that Nick felt like throwing up.

"You mean my boy wasn't…?"

"I'm saying that the location could have been random," Nick answered, hating himself a little more with every word. He turned on his friendliest smile, the one his mother had always said could charm the spots off a leopard. "The alley behind that club is the only one on that street without street access on both ends, and there aren't any street lights in that part of town. The club might not have had anything to do with it."

If he hadn't felt sick before the look of relief on Mr. Walker's face would have made him nauseous. As it was his stomach just clenched even tighter, and he was almost sure he wouldn't make it out of the house without throwing up. He hated himself for the lie, hated himself for coming up with it so easily. He hated himself even more when Mr. Walker reached up to wipe his eyes, letting out a heavy sigh before he looked at Nick again.

"What was it you said you needed from me?"

"Mr. Walker…"

"Steve."

Nick's stomach clenched again and he had to grit his teeth for a second before he continued. "Steve. We'd like to take Jessie's computer back to the lab, see if we can extract any information that could help us catch this guy."

"Right, sure," the other man said, nodding distractedly as he stood up and turned toward the back of the house. "It's in his room. This way."

Nick's legs shook when he stood up, but he managed somehow to force them to carry him down the hall and into a bedroom at the very back of the house. His breath caught in his throat when Mr. Walker flipped on the light and Nick looked around, blinking against a sudden stinging in his eyes as he took in the posters on the walls and the clothes strewn across the floor.

"We haven't been in here since it happened," Mr. Walker said, but Nick barely heard him as he took in the details of Jessie's life.

His bed was unmade, the sheets tangled with the comforter at the end of the mattress. There was a pair of sneakers sticking out from under the bed, and more shoes scattered around the room. A hamper at one end of the room sat below a poster of the Lakers, and above Jessie's bed there was a Savage Garden poster, one of the edges curling away from the wall.

His desk was piled with school books and papers; the police had been through most of that stuff already, but Nick couldn't help running his fingers along the edge of one of Jessie's notebooks as he stopped next to the desk. In the corner of the cover was a small heart drawn in black ballpoint, surrounding the initials 'C.M.' Instantly Nick's mind flashed to another one of the faces from the alley; Chris Mason, the boy whose computer had held the e-mails that gave them their first break.

Nick's heart sank and he forced himself to look away, clearing his throat before he turned back to Mr. Walker. "I'm going to need any computer disks Jessie might have kept," he said, working hard to keep his voice steady. "Would you happen to know where he kept them?"

"Maybe in his desk," Mr. Walker answered, and Nick pulled open the drawer he indicated to reveal a box of floppy disks. He pulled on a pair of gloves before he picked them up and dropped them into an evidence bag, setting the bag down on the chair and going through the rest of Jessie's drawers to make sure he hadn't missed any.

It didn't take long to disconnect the hard drive and carry it out to his truck along with the rest of the evidence. Convincing a suddenly helpful Mr. Walker that he didn't need Jessie's monitor as well took a little longer, but finally he managed to get out of the house and back into his truck. He drove back to the lab on automatic pilot, his stomach in knots the entire way. He tried not to think about Mr. Walker or the look of relief on his face when he'd bought Nick's lie, but no matter how hard he tried he kept hearing himself say the location could have been random over and over.

By the time he got back to the lab and brought Jessie's hard drive to the computer lab he was pale and his skin felt clammy, and he barely managed to sign the evidence over to the tech on duty before he made a break for the bathroom and shut himself in one of the stalls. He couldn't remember when he'd eaten last, but by the time he finished retching his stomach was empty and his throat burned.

When he was finally done he let himself out of the stall, rinsing his mouth at the sink before he washed his face. He was still staring at his pale complexion when the bathroom door opened, and he looked up to find Grissom standing in the doorway, watching him curiously. "You okay, Nicky?"

"Yeah," Nick answered, willing himself to believe it as he straightened up and reached for a paper towel. "I'm fine."

"You sure?"

"Yeah, just a little stomach thing." He ran the paper towel over his mouth before he crumpled it into a ball and tossed it in the trash. "Nothing to worry about."

Grissom nodded and crossed to the sink, setting down the files he was carrying before he looked at Nick again. "Did you get Mr. Walker to give you Jessie's computer?"

"Yeah, the guys in the lab are working on it right now."

"Good."

For a few seconds Grissom just stared at him, and finally Nick cleared his throat and began backing toward the door. "Guess I should get back out there."

"Nick."

He stopped at the sound of Grissom's voice, forcing himself to look back at the other man.

"If you're coming down with something you should go home. There's no point making yourself sick over this case, that won't do anybody any good."

Nick nodded abruptly, not quite meeting the older man's gaze. A second later he was on the other side of the bathroom door, taking a deep breath to steady his wildly beating heart. He knew exactly what Grissom was saying; somehow his boss always seemed to know how each case was affecting the rest of them, whether they ever admitted it or not. He wasn't sure if Grissom had guessed exactly why this case was affecting Nick the way it was, but he knew Nick was having a hard time with it and that was enough.

Part eight