FANFIC: Sweet Cool Water by Caroline Crane 12/12

Posted with permission from the author. See notes in sidebar.
Title: Sweet Cool Water
Author: Caroline Crane
Rating: NC17 (See happy reading in sidebar!)
Fandom: CSI
Pairing: Nick/Greg
Summary: A hard night on the job and an unexpected encounter with a familiar face force Nick to re-examine some things about himself.
Chapters: 01, 02, 03, 04, 05, 06, 07, 08, 09, 10, 11, 12.

Part twelve

Nick spent the next day trying not to think about what Greg had said, and when that didn't work he spent the day after trying to figure out what to do about it. He thought about ignoring it and just letting it run its course. That option had quite a bit of appeal, especially when he'd been more or less ordered by Grissom to stay as far away from work – and temptation – as possible.

The case was over, all the loose ends were tied up, and everything was back to normal. He didn't need Greg to help him forget anymore, and if he was still waking up from dreams filled with dark bruises against pale skin he knew it was only a matter of time before they faded completely.

He didn't spend his days off reliving the crime scene, just like he didn't spend them thinking about all the things he could have said to Jessie Walker's father. Things like 'being gay doesn't change the fact that he was your son, sir' or 'none of this changes the fact that your son loved you'. He wouldn't have been afraid to say that to anyone else; he'd never been very good at holding his tongue when he was a cop, and he hadn't gotten much better at it in his years as a CSI. Sure, he knew when to turn on the charm to get what he wanted, but there were times when he didn't bother, and this should have been one of them.

But he wasn't spending his time off trying to decide what made this time different from all the other cases, just like he wasn't spending his time wondering how to make things right with Greg. That was over; he'd told himself that at least a hundred times in the last two days, and he'd told himself just as much that he was glad it was.

He stopped trying to convince himself he believed it on the morning of the third day. He'd laid awake the entire night before, his internal clock screwed up from working nights and his mind too busy playing over the events of the past week to let him get any sleep. He spent the entire night rehearsing a speech over and over in his head, planning exactly what he was going to say to Greg to make him understand how all this had happened. He was pretty sure Greg already knew, but he needed to say it anyway. He needed to do something, because Grissom had been pretty clear about what he expected and Nick knew if he showed up at work like this he'd get sent right back home again.

He didn't really remember the drive to Greg's place, but when he got there and saw Greg's Jeep in the parking lot he almost turned around. He got as far as circling the lot before he realized what he was doing, and he forced himself to pull into an empty space and shut off the engine. It took him another fifteen minutes to talk himself into getting out of the car and walking across the lot, but finally he found himself at Greg's door.

It seemed like forever before the door finally opened, and panic flashed in Nick when it dawned on him for the first time that Greg might not be alone. He thought about mumbling an apology and getting the hell out of there, but he knew that would just make everything worse. There were at least a dozen things about the past week that he wished he could take back and the impetuous decision to show up on Greg's doorstep was right on the top of the list, but there was nothing he could do about it now.

"Hi," he began, the speech he'd spent the entire night planning so carefully flying right out of his head the second Greg opened the door. "Are you busy?"

Greg's expression didn't change, but he opened the door a little wider and Nick decided to take that as a sign that he hadn't interrupted anything. "I just got off a long shift. I'm about to go to bed and sleep until Sunday. If that counts as 'busy', then yes, I guess I am."

Okay, Greg was still pissed; that much he'd expected. It wasn't like he could blame the guy, he hadn't exactly handled the situation very well. Maybe if he hadn't taken off without a word the last time he was here things would be different now – maybe they'd even be back in Greg's bed already, or taking a shower before they made it to bed. Nick shook his head to chase away the thought; he couldn't afford to let himself get distracted now, not if he was going to fix this.

"Look, can we just talk?"

A heavy sigh escaped Greg's throat, and Nick tried hard not to stare at the way his throat moved with the sound. "What's left to say? You freaked out, I was in the right place at the right time. End of story."

Nick shook his head, searching his mind for some of the words that had sounded so good the night before. He kept coming up empty, though, and when he looked up at Greg again he knew he was going to have to go with the truth. "I need to say this, Greg. Please."

Greg stared at him for a few more seconds, but just when Nick started to resign himself to the fact that he'd totally screwed up Greg shrugged and stepped aside. Nick brushed past him into the familiar apartment, trying hard not to notice Greg's scent as he passed. He smelled like the odd combination of chemicals and Greg that had somehow become familiar over the past week or so, and Nick suppressed a shudder when he realized Greg had probably been about to take a shower.

He couldn't afford to think about that right now or he'd never get through this, and he was pretty sure coming on to Greg wasn't going to work this time. It wasn't going to fix the problem, anyway, and Nick knew it was up to him to fix it. He steeled his nerves and made his way into the living room, taking a seat on the edge of the couch. As soon as he did it occurred to him that it was the first time he'd ever actually sat down in Greg's living room; they'd slept together three times already, and he'd never even sat on Greg's couch.

He resisted the urge to laugh at his complete ineptitude where relationships were concerned; Greg probably wouldn't get the joke, and even if he did it really wasn't funny. When Greg sat down on the far end of the couch Nick turned toward him slightly, keeping his gaze focused on a spot on the floor somewhere between them. "Have I ever told you about my father?"

"He's a judge or something, right?"

Nick glanced up at Greg long enough to register the other man's confused expression. "Chief Justice. Texas Supreme Court."

"Oh."

"Yeah. And my mom's a public defender. They're not exactly low profile."

He looked at Greg again, willing the other man to understand what he was getting at. It was a tall order; Greg had grown up in San Francisco, after all, and he'd said himself that his parents had figured out he was gay before he did. He probably had no idea what it was like to have to hide something from his whole family, to worry about not just his career, but theirs as well. It sounded like a copout even before he said it out loud, though, and he knew in a way it was. When he left Texas he'd told them it was because he needed to be his own person without his family's reputation following him everywhere, but the truth was that it had just been easier to leave than to stay and deal with their reactions.

Greg was still watching him like he was waiting for Nick to continue, so he took a deep breath and tried again. "I never told them. For a long time I told myself it didn't matter, but the truth is I just didn't want to deal with it. When I was in college it really didn't matter, but then my brother and all my sisters got married and started having kids, and it was easier to leave than to keep coming up with ways to avoid questions."

"Jesus, Nick. You never…and you think they haven't figured it out yet?"

Nick grinned at that; it was obvious Greg had never met his family, and even more obvious that he hadn't grown up in Texas. "Trust me, even if they did figure it out they'd just lie to themselves about it."

Greg looked down at his hands for a second and suddenly Nick was terrified that he was going to tell Nick how sorry he was, offer him pity because he came from a family that didn't get it. That was the last thing Nick wanted; he hadn't come here looking for pity, and even if he had his family wasn't anything to feel sorry about. But when Greg looked up at him again his mouth was set in the grim line Nick had grown to hate so much over the past few days, and there wasn't anything like pity in his eyes.

"Why are you here?"

He wanted to say that he didn't know. Part of him wanted to tell Greg he was sorry for wasting his time, tell him not to worry about it and then get up and leave. But he'd come this far, and he knew if he didn't at least say what he'd come to say he'd never be able to sleep again. And maybe it was selfish to make Greg go through this just so he could have a little peace of mind, but he'd been pretty selfish since this whole thing started anyway.

"I lied to Jessie Walker's father."

Something flickered in Greg's eyes and Nick had to look away for a second, swallowing hard against the memory before he continued. "The day Gris sent me over there to get Jessie's computer, his dad didn't want to let me in. He didn't care what we needed to solve the case, he was too hung up on the fact that his kid was gay."

"Look, Nick…"

Nick shook his head and Greg stopped talking, his lips slightly parted as he waited for Nick to continue. The last thing Nick wanted to do was keep talking; what he really wanted to do was lean over and cover Greg's mouth with his, pull him up off the couch and back into the bedroom. Or maybe he'd just peel Greg's clothes off right here; they'd never done it on the couch before, and there was something to be said for variety. Only Greg wasn't his boyfriend and he wasn't here to seduce the other man into forgetting what a jerk he'd been for the past week and a half.

"I don't know why I lied to him. I keep telling myself it was the only way I could get him to give up the hard drive, but we could have gotten a warrant if we had to. That kid…they all died just trying to be who they were for once, and I took that away from him."

His voice broke on the last words and he took a deep breath, covering his face with his hands. He told himself he wasn't going to cry again, that he wasn't going to fall apart over this. He'd already done that enough, and the only reason he was telling Greg any of this stuff was to make a point. He just wished he knew what the point was.

When he felt Greg's hand on his shoulder he flinched, but as soon as he realized what was happening he turned into the touch. He didn't think about what he was doing; one minute he was staring at the floor, trying to pull himself together, and the next minute he was pulling Greg close and brushing his lips along Greg's jaw. Somewhere in the back of his head was a voice telling him this wasn't going to get them anywhere, that there were still things Greg didn't understand. But it didn't seem to matter that much anymore, not when Greg was warm and solid and pressing against him.

Greg's hands flattened against his chest, and for a second Nick almost believed they could just leave the rest unsaid. Then Greg was pushing him away, shaking his head and pulling out of Nick's grip. "No," he said, his voice low and filled with regret. "We've already tried that. It doesn't work, remember? I can't keep going back and forth with you."

Nick's heart sank when he looked at Greg and realized just how much damage he'd done over the past two weeks. He didn't have any right to be here explaining himself, and he had even less right to think Greg might give him another chance. Still, he had to try, because this was the first time he'd ever wanted something enough to risk everything he'd ever thought he believed.

"Sorry, that…I shouldn't have done that." He looked down at the floor again, breathing in deeply, then out again until he could think about something besides the way Greg felt against him. "Look, I didn't come here to make excuses. I just wanted you to know that I know I screwed up. I've screwed up a lot of things I can't fix, but I don't want this to be one of them."

He looked up again when he finished speaking, his heart pounding too loud against his eardrums and Greg still way too close for comfort. Somehow he managed to keep his hands to himself, but he had to clench them tightly together to do it.

"So what are you saying?"

Nick couldn't help laughing at that; he had a feeling Greg was just trying to get him to say it out loud, but part of him didn't blame the other man for being a little wary. "Grissom decided that I should take some vacation time. I'm booked on a flight to Dallas this afternoon. I think it's time I had a talk with my parents."

He took a deep breath and looked up again, hoping Greg couldn't hear his heart pounding against his chest. "I'll be back on Sunday, and I thought maybe…if you want to, we could give this another chance."

"Nick…"

"Just think about it," Nick interrupted, the words spilling out of his mouth fast enough that Greg couldn't interrupt him. "You don't have to decide anything right now. I know I'm not any good at this stuff, but…just think about it while I'm gone. Okay?"

He held his breath while he waited for an answer, and when Greg finally nodded he had to swallow hard around the lump in his throat. "I can drop you off at the airport, if you want."

Any second now Nick's heart was going to burst out of his chest, but he was pretty sure it would be worth it. It took him a couple seconds to find his voice, and when he finally did it sounded a little hoarse. "I thought you were going to bed."

Greg shrugged, his lips finally curving into a small smile. "I'm off all weekend, I can sleep later."

Nick was sure he was grinning like an idiot, but he couldn't make himself care. All that mattered was that Greg didn't hate him, and when he got back from Texas maybe…maybe everything really would be okay after all. "Thanks," he said, resisting the urge to pull Greg close and kiss him again. A ride to the airport wasn't even close to what he wanted, but it was a start.

fin